Autism: Uncensored the podcast

So I did a thing! I have started a podcast!!

I am so excited to share with you all that I have started a podcast. The podcast is centered around adult uncensored conversation about the struggles and the joys of parenting an autistic children.

We all know what autism looks like for us. Different stimming, melt downs, and different milestones at different ages. It is ok to have the differences and be unique and I want to hear everyone’s stories. I want to hear that someone is going through the same things that I am.

The hardships, the joys, the love, and everything that comes with this life. I am hoping this podcast can bring understanding and compassion. That we all have something in common in this autism journey and this amazing thing we call life.

The podcast is called Autism: Uncensored. I am unafraid to say this shit is about to get real!! I will not be sugar coating anything on this podcast. It is going to be real, honest, and open. The podcast is currently available on Spotify and soon other services that has podcasts available.

I really hope you can all listen to my podcast and enjoy as much as possible.

Live, Love, Autism

Jenn

If you would like to support me:

Paypal: paypal.me/JenniferP464

Venmo: jperry969

Has it been a month?

It has been over a month since i was able to post last. ‘Why’ you may ask? Well, my dinosaur of a computer finally wheezed it’s last breath just about a month ago. I lost everything. All my music, pictures, documents, and business related things all to a blue screen of death.

In the last month, I was enjoying my time sans computer, I took a much needed break from my phone after my clumsy self decided to pull the phone jack completely out of the wall and had no internet for 3 days. Leeland hated me for the first two until I realized I have a hotspot on my phone plan. Mom for the win but then i ran out of hotspot four or five hours before the repair guy came.

I completely started my Etsy business which has been epically failing. in the entire month I have had it, I have had absolutely no sales whatsoever. I will probably link the Etsy shop down at the bottom of this post you know just incase anyone is interested and probably my paypal link too. It is getting hard to support the kids and myself with the little income I have. If i could afford to pay for the premium for word press I probably would. I like to put it this way, I can make ends meet but there is no wiggle room.

Today has been one of those days as well. My house looks like it has been tossed and I can give a rats butt about actually cleaning it today. I plan to get it all done tomorrow. Maybe i will feel better when I do. it will be less hot in the morning so I won’t sweat my butt off when I do it.

Better days are coming, I know it. There is so much more that went on this last month that honestly can wait until another blog. So tell me, how are you doing? Are you holding up better now that the world is opening back up again? Do you have any plans for memorial day weekend? I have zero plans to do anything but clean my house. Hopefully it will be a fruitful adventure. I hope everything is ok with you and yours?

Live, Love, Autism

Jenn

IF you would like to support my Etsy business: http://www.etsy.com/shop/nailsbymimi

If you would like to support me by donation to my Paypal: paypal.me/Jenniferp464

Day 38: Things are looking better

Good morning, everyone. I know I haven’t posted in a hell of a long time. Going on almost a month but I have been so crazy busy.

For almost a month I have had some pretty bad anxiety, got my taxes, got the stimulus check, and finally got a car of my own. Despite my last post saying I was starting my business, I realized while making my first product listing on Etsy, that I was completely out of my league and I completely forgot half the things I needed to do. So i started over, then added more things for that first listing and I am still no where near being ready to start. I am waiting on a shipment of Gel polish to add to my growing list of colors I have to offer. I also just realized I may have to start over on doing a lot of the things I need to do.

On another note, I finally got myself a new car. Well, new to me. 2004 Jeep Grand Cherokee and it is the definition of a beater car but it will get me from point A to point B. I miss my old car and the room I had in it but I love this one too. I can actually go get my own things when I need to.

Anyway, the whole point of this post is just an update on my life. I am doing really well on keeping the house cleaned, I have food in my fridge and cabinets. I am living my best life being stuck at home with no where to go. I did say that I wasn’t going to be posting anything sad for a while and I don’t want to. So the sad parts I am leaving out for now. Maybe I’ll do a sappy, pity party post once a month or something later. Not today though. Today I am celebrating my independence and love of being home.

I can say thought that I CANNOT wait until all of this is over. It is hard to sit at home and only have a limited supply of activities I can do. Well I hope everyone is doing well. I am excited to see what everyone is up too. Let me know in the comments how you are holding up? Are you finding ways to do things around your house? New fun activities for your kids that you want to share with the class?

Live, Love, Austim

Jenn

I honestly lost count

I have been sitting around for last 5 days doing nothing but feeling sorry for myself and making myself feel bad. I have worried none stop since the 17th about my car, my daughter, my current relationship, and my kids. I have been so stressed out I have not slept more than 4 hours a night because of nightmares. I have been so lonely because the only interaction I have had with another human being is 2 little boys who can not talk to me or just want another snack.

Today that has all changed. The boys are napping. My sister, who was supposed to help me get a few things, forgot about me and went home. My boyfriend won’t even talk to me at this point because all I do is complain. So as I was sitting here, playing Gods know how many games of bingo and other games while the boys sleep, I decided that enough is enough.

I am a extroverted introvert. I want to be around people, family and friends, but I have come to realize something. I am the only person who needs everyone else. I am not the person people go to when they need a friend, I am no the person people want to hang out with. You know what, I am completely okay with that. I am only needed when someone wants something from me. I have also come to realize that I will never get out of this slump if I don’t pull myself up by my boot straps and stand up. No one is going to do that for me.

So, As of April 1st I will be starting my own business. I will be starting my press-on nail business because it has become my passion in life. Plus the little extra I could make to help me during the month. I am feeling more optimistic than I have in years. I am going to be more than just a stay at home mom who takes care of her kids and clean the house all day. I am so excited to see where all of this going to take me. I am so excited to better my life no matter how hard all of this is. I’m done complaining and I am done making my life seem so bad. I have a place in this world. I have a roof over my head, I have food, I have clothes on my back. My kids have a roof over there head, food, and clothes.

This is all coming together and I have so much that so many people don’t have. I am so excited and so happy. I am hoping to make my own way in this life.

Live, Love, Autism.

Jenn

What day is it?

Today I am tired but slightly relieved. This weekend has been slow. Which I absolutely love. It is my ex-husbands weekend with the boys, I got pretty much the entire house cleaned and somewhat sanitized. I even was able to just sit and read for a little bit. I never ever get to just read. I love to read.

I am optimistic for the first time in months that everything will be okay despite the quarantine and not having everything that I could possible think of that we need. I have also come to realize that I cannot control everything and I need to watch where my temper is at when it comes to my ex-husband.

I’ll give you an example:

The other day I needed him to help me get some diaper wipes. I get all the diapers I need through a supply company with our insurance. (If anyone needs information on how to do this for your child I will happily explain the very easy process to you.) Anyway, I asked him and everything was fine. He does help me but only when I ask. So he get here and helps me put the boys in bed. He is never here when he says he will be so putting the boys in bed was a good way of the boys getting to see him for a very small amount of time.

So He explains that his work gave him some options to stay full-time, go part-time, or go on unemployment. With the quarantine they are even more slow than normal. I get it, he has a lot to think about but what got me was this. He has vacation time. He has been at his job for 4 years. He has like 2 weeks of paid vacation. Instead of saying, hey I might take a few extra days off and spend it with his boys. No, he said I might take a vacation day to spend with my girlfriend since she just had her baby. Oh I was livid. This is the man that wouldn’t even take an extra vacation day to spend with me after I gave birth to Matthew but he wants to take vacation to be with a woman that just had a baby that isn’t even his. I blew tf up. I told him that that was absolutely ridiculous and that if anything he needs to spend more time with his actual kids and his behavior on this was about 50% of the reason I left him. There is so much more to the reason I left him but still not the point.

I didn’t want to tell me that he would rather spend time with someone else on his vacation than with is kids. It really did upset me and I was made to look like the bad guy because I expressed my concern and hurt about it. Yes, i have no say in what he does now. No I don’t want to have a say in it. I never really had a say in what he did even when we were married. It has become an absolute shit show because he still doesn’t care enough to say I want to see my boys more than every other weekend and Wednesday nights. It really does upset me and the boys just know that they only see Daddy on certain days.

Anyway, I have so much to do today. Plus I should probably eat something. I hope everyone has a good day. I am going to try to relax once I get everything done.

Live, Love, Autism

Jenn

Day 3-4

I didn’t write yesterday. I kinda feel blah. It has rained nonstop for the last 2 days. Going from just a sprinkle to heavy down pours. My Mamaw always says that we are solar powered. I truly believe that. When the sun is out, I just feel better. I feel more energized than when it is dark and gloomy. When I talk to my Mamaw she will say it’s just a gloomy ol’ day.

The boys have been on some kind of energy spike the last two days, as well. Nonstop running, getting into things, and fighting. I believe Cabin fever has set in. Matthew is being more clingy than normal and Leeland has decided to fully only live on Halo’s and uncooked ramen. It has gotten to the point I had to hide the Ramen cups and ration the oranges.

Matthew only wants fruit snacks and chicken nuggets. I guess if they are happy and not fighting that’s all that matters to me. The Croods and the live action Beauty and the Beast have been on loop on the TV. Then this morning the Governor of Indiana announced that schools will be closed until at least May 1st. I enjoy the summers off and the sleeping in part. The constant fighting is getting on my nervous though. My alarm just went off saying that it is 6 PM and that means it is time for baths and winding down for bed. Maybe tomorrow I’ll have something more positive and uplifting to say.

Live, Love, Autism

Jenn

Day 2: No school, Repo, Amelia’s Birthday

Already this morning I have cried for so many different reasons.

Woke up to the realization that it is my daughters 9th birthday. She was born today 9 years ago and she isn’t here with me. The second thing that happened was I looked outside because I had a sinking feeling in my gut. I looked outside to see that my car wasn’t parked in my parking spot. It is gone. I knew I was pretty far behind. I knew that I really couldn’t afford it now that I was doing all of this on my own but I was certain I had more time to get my taxes back to pay what I owed. They took the boys car seats, Matthews stroller and some other clothes and toys that I had in there from moving from my sisters house.

All of that was inside my car. The handicap tag I have for Leeland was in there too, my deceased dog collar was in there. I am struggling so hard today. I’m sure this blog is going to be short. I may write more later but I am 100% sure that in the end I will cry and wallow in self-pity for the rest of the day. That, to be honest, I am a horrible mother and adult. I couldn’t even keep one of the only things I need the most to make my life run smoothly. I just need today to go right. I just need for something to go right, just once. Maybe this is a way the Gods are telling me that I need to make some much needed changes in my life.

Jenn

Day 1: No School and so much poop.

As I write this it is only 5:40 PM on March 16th, 2020. Bed time is still an hour and twenty minutes away. I feel like I am losing my mind!!!

It has seriously been a long day. When I woke up this morning I never expected to have to immediately hold my nose upon entering Leelands room. During the night he had removed his diaper. After doing so, completely shat himself and was covered in it. Of course, this all happened after everyone was in bed and I had to give a 40 minute long bath to my 7 year old.

You know how people complain all the time that their kid pooped in the bath tub and they had to clean it out and rerun water. This is a two or three time a week problem at my house.

Both of the boys still wear diapers. Leeland is afraid of the potty and Matthew just thinks it’s funny when I change him plus he is also afraid to sit on the potty. The funny part I can normally get over pretty quick. The afraid of the potty is something that we are very, very slowly working on.

The first two weeks we were moved in, Leeland and Matthew both did so well. He didn’t even take off his jammies. Now almost a month since moving in I am right back to the problem I was having before. Constant bed wetting, pooping and dirty diapers.

It is so hard for me. Being on my own taking care of everything truly on my own but I have come to realize something. If I don’t do it no one else will.

So I bought some small poster boards, a few mechanical pencils, and a ruler. I sat for an hour and made the perfect for me chore chart. I added all of my chores, starting in Leelands room and going room by room until you reach my room at the other end of the house.

I painstakingly planned how long it should take me every night to do the main parts of the house and my room. The boys rooms would be done every night before bed. If I keep up with it then it should be easy peasy. Yeah, No! The chore chart is up on my wall. There are dirty dishes in the sink, laundry that needs to be done, carpet that needs to be vacuumed. Trash in all the trash cans that need to go out and a litter box that needs cleaned. All of which will be done tonight before i go to bed but do I really want to do it? No. Do I have to do it? Yes.

In my almost 30 years of life, a lot of things have been done for me. Hell, if I could hire someone to come do my cleaning I would but that will never happen. My mom taught me how to do everything to run a household. Laundry, Dishes, and how to cook but in the end of the day she still did everything. My mom and dad went to work every day but my mom still came home and did absolutely everything else. Dinner, laundry, dishes, helping with homework. Then dealt with us kids when we had a bad attitude. When my brother and I would butt heads and the constant fist fights between all three of us. It wasn’t until one day when I moved out on my own that I realized how much my Mommy actually did.

Then to top everything off, I was given to of the most special boys to take care of. Two boys that, at least one of which, would never be able to truly take care of themselves. To be honest, I don’t mind that part. Taking care of my kids. The only things that matter the most to me in the entire world. What has bothered me though is that sometimes I just don’t do it. I make excuses or I get into a bad mood and just say F it.

I clean up pee and poop more than a CNA. Well, probably not but it feels like it most days. If there is any bright side to all of this, it’s that my children can poop and pee on their own even if they can’t or won’t potty train. The amazing amount of sanitizer and bleach I go through is absolutely amazing but keeping my children safe and clean is a priority.

The constant cleaning I do, even before all of this Corona Virus, to make sure everything stayed clean would amaze the average person. Some days if there is some crumbs on the floor, trash that needs to go out, or dishes to be done, I will let it go until the next day. I guess that today will probably going to be one of those days. After doing laundry, cleaning out Leelands bed, cleaning Matt’s bedroom, I am ready to just chill.

I know I made a post about this already. That is hasn’t been that long but my back hurts, I’m trying to write a list of groceries that have to last me the entire month, and I haven’t had a full shower in two days. It has been one hell of a weekend. I am hoping that soon, this blog will be more happy and outgoing and being more spirited about everything. Today is not that day but hopefully soon. I hope everyone has an amazing night. I am going to go take a shower and maybe soak in the tub for a while.

Live, Love, Autism.

Jenn.

3-15-2020: yeah, is there enough food

I have gone over and over in my head about what I want to write about for the next 4 weeks that Leeland will be out of school. 1 of the 4 weeks is his spring break and it has only been a day since they announced that school would be shut down, at least until spring break.

I can tell you right now that I am not scared of this virus. If taken the proper caution and if any of us were to get it the necessary steps to help get over it, we would be fine. What I am actually scared of, is not having enough food and necessary items to get me from when I get my food stamps and SSI for the kids to the beginning of the next month.

I’m not sure if I have posted this yet or not but I lost my babysitter due to some misunderstandings and personal problems. With that happening and knowing that there is very few people in my town that will watch not just one but two boys with autism it is becoming hard to keep a job and be able to get my children to and from school, therapies, and work. I have been lucky enough to qualify for financial help but it comes at the price of only getting it once a month and having to plan for the entire month.

To be honest I am scared out of my mind that I will not have enough food, laundry soap, and so much more because of people running out to the stores and buying everything. I live off of cheap meals that can last a long time. Soups, spaghetti, cereal, and ramen noodles. Leeland is currently living off of ramen noodles and of course pretty much everywhere I have been is out of it.

Matthew only lives off of chicken nuggets, some canned veggies, and fruit snacks 90% of the time. I have had to force myself to stop thinking about it because it gives me so much anxiety. I feel like all the food that i will be able to get will be only given to my children and that sucks. I need to be able to function as a their mother and I require food to do that.

Before anyone starts bashing me for this, I understand that I have food banks and other resources that I can use. Hell, my own family will help me but do you know how hard it is to admit that 3 weeks after you move out on your own that you can’t actually take care of everything. It sucks so bad. I have tried my hardest to not ask my family or friends for help but now that I have both kids home before I can even really figure everything out before summer break it has gotten to me.

I’m sure some of you will understand and most of you won’t because you don’t have to worry as much. You have food in your home. You don’t have to plan for the month instead you plan for the week. When you run out of something you can go to the store and buy it. I do not have the luxury. If I run out of something I have to wait until the 1st or the 17th, whichever comes first.

This post is not about teaching anyone anything. Teaching that life gets hard but it will end. No, this is a mother completely overwhelmed about how I am going to afford to get food when everything I do buy, the panicked preppers have gone out and bought everything that is cheap and sustainable. Yesterday when I got a small loan to get some much needed food, I walked down the cereal isle just to find that most of the cheap bagged cereal was gone. The ramen noodles and ravioli are gone. In 2 days when I go do my grocery shopping I have no idea what I will find.

I truly and honestly don’t know what I am going to do and it really really scares me. So this the end of this blog because I know that if I keep going it is going to scare me even more. Hell, people may bash me for all of this and it may end up worse than before, who knows.

Live, Love, Autism

Jenn

Today is not going as planned….

Today has not gone as planned and I am seriously stressing out.

Yesterday I went to the office of where I live to talk to the manager about getting a ramp installed for Leeland. He only uses a special stroller to go to school and other places that require a lot of walking. You see, he has Cerebral Palsy. The type of Palsy he has only effects his legs. He walks on his toes and trips a lot. On top of all of that, he is an extreme eloper (not a word, just what I call it).

So I was told my the managers assistant that I would need to talk to the manager about it. Fast forward to today when the owner of where I live knocks on my door. I live in a trailer park and have a rather large porch with two ways off the porch. I need to be able to get Leeland on the bus without him having to walk down some very steep stairs or myself accidentally dumping him in his chair while walking backwards with him in it.

So the park owner comes over and says well I don’t see a problem but you can see how telling us after you moved in could be a problem. The entire park I live in . NONE of the trailers are handicap accessible. I wasn’t thinking about Leelands chair at all when I was moving in here. When I moved, I was just glad I could get him on and off the bus in the morning and not have to take him to school everyday like I was doing. I was thinking about the million things that I need to get because I was starting from scratch. I wasn’t thinking about his chair or the need for a ramp.

Luckily even after all of that I put it in writing and I gave it to the office manager here so that I can get the ball rolling. I am calling my Uncle who is a general contractor and hopefully getting a quote on how much it will cost me to get it done. I am so excited to see where this will go for Leelands mobility but I hope that I don’t run into any problems with the park manager or owner during this process.

Just a short disclaimer: This post was actually started on March 10th. So all of this did take place yesterday and on the 9th. I just got distracted for most of the day yesterday and never finished the post. I hope you all have had a great last couple of days since I last posted. I haven’t been on the ball with this but I am getting better.

Live, Love, Autism

Jenn